i don't understand the male psyche. i don't think as a woman it'd even be healthy for me to try. who knows i might start enjoying the oggling of breasts (i kinda already do), finding an exorbinant amount of relief in scratching, and develop a sixth sense about how to open things with my teeth. so most of the time i just use my female mind and translate his actions into a convuluted mess and end of with a relatively messy answer for something as simple as "where do you want to go to lunch?"
however there are_times_when i experience a role reversal and see him as he must see me. such a rare moment is this. and it is now.
the back story: i blog from time to time and thought that since he has taken to idea of blogging but lacks a starting point, i'd be all handy and helpful and give him one, namely said blog. i figured it's easiest to write about what you know and by now he knows us. so regular ol' a+b=17 female mind formula. a being he needs something, b = i know the solution, and 17 equaling a totally off the wall solution that doesn't really work for either of us. so after i gave him my grand solution, he said he needed time to think..something about not wanting to share his most important relationship with the rest of the blogosphere or something. HA! (it's not like_anyone_reads this stuff, anyway!) but still he had reasons and wanted to think it through. a very mature, anti-wife way of doing stuff but i figured i'd nag him about it later. and then i forgot. oops!
anyway, yesterday he IMs saying he's decided to post and i load the site expecting something intriguing and keep reloading and reloading. turns out it's blank, no matter how many different browsers i reload it with. so i IM him asking where the thesis of our love is and he says he's run dry and he can't think of anything to write. so being lil helpful wifeykins i offer up some funny moment yet it feels false as if it's being forcefed (hmm...wonder why?) and so he opts not to post. and then he finally comes out with it and says "i don't think i'm a very good at being funny." and instantly i become defensive, HOW DARE HE NOT THINK HE'S THE FUNNIEST PERSON ALIVE? (since Johnny Carson just died--it's now justifiably true) i opt not to berate him with questions and reassurance since it's almost 5. but his doubt about him being funny still lingers.
and here's where the title comes to fruition kids. i now see how he must see me. i get it. when i'm feeling all anti-me and down in the dumps and he gets all "defensive and lovey" it's not him being nice (although it is) but it's actually his response to such a preposterous idea that "i'm not (insert something) enough." so i get it or more to the point him. he loves me and he loves that (insert something) about me and the idea that i don't think it's enough is INSANE because it's more than enough for him and it's perfect. so while he may never write in this blog and it might wither away (sympathy beg) on the blog vine--it's okay--cause i totally speak jourdan now. and who needs a blog when you're already bilingual.
